How Do I Navigate Family Dynamics During the Holidays?
It’s a common question this time of year. Maybe because during the holiday season we hope to engage in experiences that connect us with feelings of gratitude, joy, and peace. Family gatherings are also often a big part of the holidays. And, sometimes, family gatherings provide us with the opposite kind of experience, connecting us instead to feelings of disappointment, misery, and irritation.
In writing the title of this blog, I intentionally phrased it “How do I navigate family dynamics during the holidays?” not “How should I navigate family dynamics during the holidays?” Because, if we ask ourselves the latter, a whole bombardment of criticism, guilt, shame etc. is loaded in that question. There is an implication that there is a right way and a wrong way to navigate family dynamics during the holidays. There isn’t. Every family is different and every human experience is unique. So, rather than assume that there is a way it should be done, I invite you instead to look at how it is done. Not by others, by you.
Please note: In order for this to be a helpful and gentle exercise, I highly recommend you ask these questions with kindness to yourself, and curiosity about your lived experience.
Step 1: Ask yourself “How do I navigate family dynamics during the holidays?” Take a moment to reflect on your role and reactions in relation to your family, your ‘ohana.
Do you take the lead on planning activities and gatherings?
Do you follow others’ lead?
When conflict arises, as it does in families, do you explode with anger?
Do you shut down and isolate?
Do you act as the negotiator to keep everyone calm and the mood light?
Is this habit/pattern something that happens in the context of the holiday season only, or is this year-round?
Get curious about it! Whatever you come to notice is great! You are connecting to some of your inner wisdom.
Step 2: When you bring awareness to how you do navigate family dynamics during the holidays, then you can ask yourself, (reminder *ahem* with kindness and compassion) “Hm, how did I learn that way of navigating my family dynamics during the holidays?”
Was it intentionally taught to you?
Was it unconsciously modeled by your role models?
Did it protect you in some way to behave/respond like that?
How did this learned habit help you?
Whatever you observe is wonderful! Another gem of inner wisdom is found.
Step 3: Next, I invite you to ask yourself “Does the way I have navigated family dynamics during the holidays in the past still serve me now?” As we enter this holiday season, notice your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations in the present.
What thoughts pass through your mind?
What emotions are there?
How does your body feel?
For some, you may find that your way of navigating family dynamics during the holidays does continue to serve you well this holiday season. To connect with that truth is an empowering experience! Your plan may be to then stay the course even when the going gets tough, because somehow, it is working for you! For others, there may be an awareness that “Hm, maybe the way I have navigated family dynamics during the holidays in the past does not serve me now.” It may be time to set out on a new course! Mind you, the “new course” doesn’t have to be a total 180 degree turn. It can be as small as the flap of a butterfly’s wings.
If you find that “setting a new course” is resonating with you now, I have a few more things to say on this topic. A quick Google search will give you the definition of navigation as “the process or activity of accurately ascertaining one's position and planning and following a route.” Very often, it is more than enough to work on the first part of navigation “ascertaining one’s position.” Only when we know where we are in the present can we begin to see the direction we want to go.
For some “planning and following a route” means staying the course because it is serving them! For others, “planning and following a route” means engaging in further exploration of your hopes, expectations, intentions, and values. Sometimes this part of the journey can bring up some pain, and sometimes it can bring up some joy. Basically, it can be a roller coaster.
Step 4: In this step, you have many options.
You can get yourself a therapist to help hold that safe space for you, join you on the journey, and help stay connected to that kindness and curiosity that is so extremely important for your well-being.
If you have a person in your life who already does that for you, lean on them for some support.
If you feel confident, comfortable, and connected to your inner wisdom, and you want to plan and follow a route on your own, then absolutely go for it!
If you find yourself feeling stuck, like a ship stuck in a harbor, consider this. A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are made for. (I did not write that, it is a quote that I fell in love with before going off to college on the mainland. From a quick Google search, it looks like it was written by author John A. Shedd.) If you feel you need some support, and are ready, I am happy to connect with you to help you move out of that “harbor” mindfully, compassionately, and curiously!
